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Why you shouldn’t try to change your partner!

Entering into a relationship thinking you are going to change or fix your partner isn’t wise.

Relationship means the way two or more people relate to another. Usually, the way we relate to someone is by finding common ground. And finding common ground often requires discovering ways to make ideas that seem different come together. So often when we choose relationships, we try to fit our partner into who we think they should be. We believe they will be perfect if we could just change this one thing (or 20 lol). But unless someone asks for guidance and direction, entering into a relationship with someone we want to change is unwise and often fails.

I spent years in a relationship with someone I thought I could change. When it was over, he remained the same, actually the anger I thought I could change multiplied and the person who changed was me. I spent years undoing the damage I endured as a result of that relationship. When we met, he told me he was attracted to my peace and when I left, I had no peace, and I was angry like him.

Even if they seek guidance and direction their behavior probably won’t change significantly anytime soon. As we know from our own experience, change can be difficult.

When we enter a relationship with the expectation of change our relationship becomes with someone we’ve imagined, a fantasy. Then anytime our partner steps outside of who we imagined; we will be disappointed. Also, there is no guarantee you will like the person they become. I often hear people say their partner needs therapy but never consider the other side of their request. The post-therapy, healed version of them may not choose you as a partner. Not that something is wrong with you but when they heal, they may seek different attributes in a partner.

An honest relationship is one in which we accept each other as whole individuals and find a way to share our life experiences together. Then, whenever we want, we can choose as a couple to make adjustments with the way we relate to one another.

By wanting to change another person, we are basically saying we don’t accept them for who they are. If we take a moment to imagine the roles reversed, we can get a sense of how it would feel if our beloved only committed to us because they thought we were, or would become, someone else. In such an environment, we are not relating to each other from a real place, and we are keeping ourselves from being able to learn and grow from the different viewpoints that our partners offer.

If we feel that a change is needed in our relationship, the only power we truly have is on ourselves. By accepting our partners for exactly who they are — the ideal and the not-so-ideal — we will create an energetic shift in our relationships, and we may find ourselves really appreciating them for the first time. When we choose to work from within, we determine how we relate to the people and the world around us, and when we can accept it and embrace it all, without conditions, we make every act of relating an opportunity for growth. You will also find the more you accept others for who they are, the more you will be accepted for who you are.

Today take some time and think about what traits in your current relationships do you need to accept and stop trying to change and let me know in the comments. I’d love to hear from you.

Sent with unconditional love,


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