There is something profound about grief. The way it comes in waves, the way each wave feels so different. How sensitive it is. How easily the thought of loss can trigger a previous loss. How we are capable of grieving people that are still alive, and how grief is not only the mourning of loved ones, but we can also mourn lost dreams and unfulfilled hopes.
When I got a divorce after 20 years of marriage I mourned not only my ex-husband, but also all the hopes and dreams I had for our future,
These last couple of weeks have been full of grief for me. Our family lost its matriarch, my almost 98-year-old grandmother. We were blessed to have 5 generations of love in our family. My mother transitioned 7 years prior, and the loss of my grandmother triggered the grief I feel for my mom in a major way.
I began to feel numb mentally and feel the heaviness in my body all over again. What I have learned on my grief journey, is there are 5 stages of grief, and they don’t last any set time, come in any particular order or return in any particular order.
The first stage is denial. This is one of the initial stages and in this stage, we tend to imagine a more desirable reality. A reality in which our loved on is not gone. We tend to say things like “This can’t be happening”. This often happens when we haven’t emotionally processed the loss, and we are feeling numb.
The second stage is anger. This stage often happens next but doesn’t have to. In this stage we may feel guilt and want to blame someone. It could be ourselves, the deceased, the doctors, family members, God, etc. We tend to say things like “Why is that happening to me”. Anger can be easier to express than the deep sorrow that grief brings.
The third stage is bargaining. In this stage in your attempt to avoid the grief you begin to want to negotiate. You may wish that is was you instead of your loved one, ask for God to bring them back, ask for one more day or conversation, or begin to say they would still be here if something was done differently. Perhaps taken them to a different hospital, taken them sooner, been more present, etc. We tend to say things like “I will do anything to change this”.
The fourth stage is depression. Not to be confused with clinical depression. In this stage we tend to feel like there is no point in living, and we tend to say things like “What’s the point in going on after the loss”. This stage brings with it a deep feeling of sadness about the uncertainty of death. We may withdraw and spend most of our time in mourning. This stage scares people the most, which is why we tend to spend time in the other stages first although it doesn’t have to happen that way. We tend to fear getting suck in this stage, but remember there is always a way out, even if you need the support of a professional.
The last and final stage of grief is acceptance. In this stage we accept death as a part of the circle of life. We tend to say “I know what happened, and I can’t change it. Now I need to cope.” We understand life is composed of birth, death, and afterlife. For me, while my grandmother transitioned into the afterlife, my daughter in-law is pregnant with my first grandchild. This is such a reminder of the circle of life. I am comforted knowing there is a possibility that my grandmother and mother are united again.
Everybody grieves differently, and some of the stages take longer than others, and that is ok.
If you are grieving today. I encourage you:
Identify which stage you are in.
Seek support from family, loved ones, or professionals to assist you in processing the pain of grief. If you are grieving today and feel like you don’t have support. Please contact me for a no-cost clarity call. In this session, I will help you identify tools and habits that support you and make the grieving process more bearable for you.
Find a way to remember your loved one, while moving forward in life. This can be accomplished through making an altar for them, creating a collage of pictures, visiting their grave-site, or writing them a letter.
Mourning someone is not easy so please be gentle with yourself. If you need additional support processing your grief, please schedule a no-cost clarity call at KameshaTarell.com. It would be my pleasure to support you during this time.
Sent with Love,
Kamesha Tarell
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