Have you ever felt like you or someone close to you has a “type” when dating? Have you noticed the trend of multiple failed relationships with individuals who in some way resemble each other, either physically or emotionally? Have you ever thought they remind me of ___, or they sound like ____ when you get around the new partner?
Unconsciously and compulsively, we are searching for a very particular set of positive and negative personality traits. Traits we consciously believe will bring us happiness and wholeness; however, unconsciously we tend to attract people who resemble the predominate personality traits (both positive and negative) of our primary care takers.
Our subconscious mind is trying to recreate the environment we had in childhood in an effort to heal our childhood wounds. We are seeking the opportunity to get what we didn’t get in childhood. We fall in love with our “type”, often quickly and in what feels “meant to be '' because our brain has our partner confused with our primary caregivers.
Please note, you didn’t have to experience serious childhood traumas such as abuse, divorce, addiction, loss of a parent, etc. to have childhood wounds. I often hear “I had a good childhood”. However, even if you grew up in a safe, nurturing environment you still have invisible scars from childhood, because from the moment you were born you were a complex, dependent individual with a never-ending cycle of needs. No parent, no matter how devoted they are, can meet 100% of those needs.
I had a habit of attracting emotionally unavailable men. I grew up with a father that never really knew me. He was there for all the major events in my life, but I never talked to him about anything significant in my life. We never discussed my goals, my fears or my celebrations (other than to send an invite). I can’t recall a time I’ve ever asked my dad for advice or went to him when I was upset. He was a great provider, when he had the means. He made sure I never went without, but I can’t remember ever crying to him, or sharing any emotion, except my anger towards him. I was always there for him emotionally and that’s what I grew up attracting. Men who needed my emotional support but were unable to meet my emotional needs. Likewise, I’ve also seen the pattern of attracting men who have experienced critical, unsupportive, “throw money - not love at it” mothers. In my Virgo-ish and quest for knowledge and perfection, I am always working to be less critical of myself and others. They love the generous, supportive, wise side of me. They always reference loving my brain but then my wisdom and insatiable quest for knowledge and growth challenges them to grow in ways that feel very critical and “not enough” as their mothers made them feel. Then the relationship begins to suffer.
People have a hard time accepting they are in search of partners who resemble their care takers because consciously they believe they are only seeking partners with positive traits. In fact, if they are conscious of their childhood traumas, they believe they deliberately sought out the opposite.
Take a moment to pause and consider the men and women who you consider to be your type. Reflect the ways they resemble both positively and negatively the traits of your primary caregivers. Then journal about how these traits show up in your relationships (romantic and platonic) uncovering what you are trying to heal.
I know this can be a difficult exercise and even more difficult to complete alone. If you would like support, please schedule a FREE 30 minute chat and allow me to support you through the process.
I love you; I love you; I love you.
Kamesha Tarell
