I understand.
I understand why people choose to stay the same. Going through the process of “doing the work” to break-free from past trauma and pain isn’t easy. It takes being open to seeing yourself. Really seeing yourself.
It takes a willingness to see the sores and scabs you would rather not look at, the ones you would rather pretend are healed. Sometimes it takes going back to the memories of the people and places that hurt you, the places you’ve attempted to build walls of protection around in an attempt to keep yourself safe.
It’s hard to admit those well constructed walls are no longer serving and actually hurting you. It’s hard to choose vulnerability and learn another way to live and experience life.
It’s scary to start over at Ground Zero, well at least that’s how it feels.
I feel the rawness of healing all over again. I feel vulnerable and afraid.
I want to run to the perceived safety of control, manipulation and judgment.
I’m learning I have been in survival mode.
In survival mode I told myself lies. I told myself if I judge the people around me I can put them in a box and I will know how to move with them. I told myself that box would keep me safe. The problem with that theory is people are as unpredictable as they are predictable. I still experienced hurt and pain.
I told myself, if I was in control of situations by telling people close to me who they should be and how they should behave, I would be able to keep myself safe. I thought if my way was right then I would be safe.
I believed I needed to keep myself safe with control of people and situations because there was too much danger in being wrong and too much vulnerability in the unknown.
I am learning none of this has kept me 100% safe.
Alive, yes. Stable, yes. Truly living life, no.
People have still hurt me, more times than I would like to admit or accept.
I’m learning I can’t out-control, manipulate or judge pain. It’s a part of life and the idea of this scares the $hit out of me.
Trying to control the amount of pain I experience is a part of and symptom of survival mode. When merely surviving we believe we must minimize the danger because too many hits, shots, cuts, etc. could cause us to bleed out and die.
When you begin living and stop surviving you begin to understand you have survived 100% of your worst days and you will survive 100% of the days to come. You no longer feel the need to vigilantly protect yourself. Be cautious? yes. You are no longer living in the dangerous environments of your past. You now can choose the environments you allow yourself to be in and who you choose to encounter. Hopefully these environments will be ones of healing, acceptance and authenticity. There isn't a need to be on high alert here.
If you need help and support throughout your healing journey, you can schedule a free chat with me at KameshaTarell.com/coaching.
Sent with Unconditional Love,
Kamesha Tarell
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